The Courtesy of a Reply….

Spring marks the beginning of wedding season.  And with wedding season upon us, many guests often have questions regarding their wedding invitation.  

When invited to a wedding many take their own life situation into consideration when responding to a wedding invitation. You are single and you don’t want to go alone. You have a darling child and are sure that he will be so well-behaved no one will notice he is there.

The way in which an invitation is addressed tells you what the couple had in mind when inviting you. If you were invited with a guest the outside envelope would be addressed to: Mr. John Smith. The inner envelope would be addressed to Mr. John Smith and Guest.

If children are invited, the invitation would be address with “and Family” or listed directly under the adult. Adult children living in the same household should receive their own invitation.

Do not put the couple in an embarrassing situation. Do not ask them if you can bring a date or your children to the wedding. And under no circumstance should you ever add names or additional number of guests to your reply card.

A wedding is planned like clockwork. There is no time to rearrange seating to accommodate any additions. Please be respectful of your invitation. It is an honor to be chosen to share their special day. So please be honorable and respect their wishes.

Invitation box set & reply card courtesy of Embellishments

Source:  Respect The Wording On The Wedding Invitation & Response Card:  Advice provided by Claudia Lutman for Luxurious Wedding Etiquette & Protocol July 2008

The Art of Gracious Wedding Planning

All will agree that Wedding Planning is a very stressful time.  You have so much to do with so little time.  Meaningless issues can create unnecessary drama and one is inescapably inundated with unsolicited, but well-meant advice.

Maintaining your cool while pushing your manners to the limit is always a challenge.  As a coping mechanism, The Emily Post Institute teaches etiquette professionals the Three C’s: Consideration, Communication and Compromise.

However, this concept must be taken just a few steps further.  To ensure a positive planning experience, focus on “The Five C’s” of Wedding Planning”. Cooperation, Consideration, Communication, Compassion, and Compromise are all necessary to plan your wedding with ease and humility.  

For the inevitable difficult situation, each tool will provide you with a valuable strategy to ensure you a memorable and courteous wedding planning experience.

COOPERATION is the cornerstone of planning your wedding or special event. By being gracious you can enlist others to become a very productive support team.

CONSIDERATION should be at the forefront of all your wedding related decisions.  Realize that everyone around you has your best interest in mind.  Be mindful of their input. 

COMMUNICATION allows you to be open to new ideas.  Allow others to voice their opinions, suggestions and concerns. Be considerate and always be grateful for their input.  For example, comments like “That’s an interesting idea. Let me think about it,” are always a good way to take suggestions, even if the particular suggestion is something you may not be particularly fond of.

COMPASSION is something to extend to everyone involved in planning your wedding. Don’t just hear, but listen to each request, and think of each as an effort to give something to you, not to take something from you.  Being compassionate allows you to more easily find a way to properly alter a request if need be, or incorporate it into your wedding plan if you so desire..

COMPRIMISE will become an immediate necessity following your engagement.  While the wedding vision is yours, be attentive to the individual relationships with your family and friends.  Consider their needs or requests. Granting a small compromise now could indeed furnish lifelong benefits.

Many acknowledge wedding planning to be the most confrontational time in ones’s life.  Anticipate and take action against potential issues or problems.  My father always said to be ‘proactive’ rather than ‘reactive.

Think ahead to the big picture.  Marriage is between you, your spouse and your respective families.  Your decisions, actions and behavior will be remembered by others for a lifetime.  How graceful you handle these difficult situations will affect your future relationship with your in-laws, husband and family.  

A gracious bride understands that in the best interest of family dynamics, often times it is in her best interest to take a step back, evaluate the situation and adapt to it. 

A positive attitude is contagious.  Be humble and maintain a gracious attitude while planning your wedding.  A smile makes even the hardest of days, a little easier.

Wedsites

One of the hottest, new and most fun trends for engaged couples today is to create a wedding website; or more popularly known as ‘wedsites’.  

Wedding websites are predominately used to provide pertinent information about your wedding to family and friends.  As their popularity grows they are quickly becoming an invaluable tool.

 Your wedding website should include details relevant to your wedding ceremony and reception, travel information, suggestions on local hotel accommodations, hotel room block(s), your contact information, and your gift registry. You may also choose to included engagement photos and wedding party details. 

 If marrying in a destination with fabulous tourist attractions, your guests will appreciate information related to local tourist hot spots and local touring companies.

Following your wedding, some couples have also utilized their wedding website as a link to guests that were not able to celebrate with them by posting photographs of their  wedding ceremony and reception.

Below are a few suggestions on how to host an informative and polite wedding website:

1.  Avoid using Slang terms that may be misunderstood.

2.   Choose a design layout that represents you as a couple and that reflects your personalities.  A fun and unique suggestion to design your wedding website in the color palette being used in your wedding.

 3. Design a well organized and user friendly site.

4. Keep it “G-Rated & simple.  Do not include any intimate details regarding your relationship such as first kisses, details of dates, and so on.  Keep your story romantic and focused on the nature of your relationship and the pending union.

5. Do not list your wedding website on your invitations.  The best ways to inform guests of your wedsite is by word of mouth, listing it on your save-the-date cards, or on other invitation enclosures such as the reception or response card.

6. Electronic RSVP’s through your website are acceptable; however, it is still necessary to enclose a response card in your invitation ensemble. Include a line on the bottom of your response card to inform guests of this new option by simply stating: “You may also RSVP through our wedding web site at ” http://www.ewedding.com/”

7. Avoid putting a significant emphasis on your gift registries. Use tact when including links to your registry retailers and do not make it the focus of a single page.

8. A traditional wedding invitation must still sent via snail mail and include all pertinent information related to your wedding as there may be a few guests who are not online.

 Many wedding related websites offer to host free wedding websites for couples who register with them such as  http://www.weddingwindow.com/, http://www.weddingwire.com/wedding-websites.html, http://www.mywedding.com/main/wedding_websites.html.

Have you created a wedding website?  Has it assisted the wedding planning process and provided guests a feeling of inclusion?

Photos courtesty of WeddingWindow.com and Flicker – Creative  Common License

Bridesmaids Luncheon and a Gift Registry

A reader of the MyWedding.com etiquette blog recently proposed the following question:

Question:
What kind of registry do you make for a Bridal Party/Luncheon, It will be for my families older women?
I’m guessing to give out my wedding registry but I don’t want to seem greedy and make that family member feel they have to buy things off my wedding registry.

Claudia Says…….

The bridesmaid luncheon or party is a perfect opportunity to thank your bridesmaids for taking part in your wedding. This is your chance to exchange gifts of appreciation with your attendants; it is not customarily an event for the bride to receive gifts or register for this occasion.

The Luncheon/party is customarily hosted by the bridesmaids, with the Maid or Matron of Honor spearheading the details, though the mother of the bride or the bride herself may also do the honors. This optional revelry is often held a day or two before, or even the day of the wedding (if it’s a tea or Luncheon).

The guest list should include the bride, mother of the bride, mother of the groom, bridal attendants, the flower girl, and her mother. Though it is not dictated by traditional etiquette, in the interest of family dynamics, consider extending the invitation to any sisters of the bride or groom and their grandmothers.

A Themed Bridal Shower is a convenient alternative to a bridesmaid luncheon. Some popular examples include kitchen, bath, house wares, or lingerie showers. For such an occasion, you may choose to register separately from your master wedding registry.

The shower’s theme may be noted on the invitation. Include the registry information as well as color preferences or sizes, listed on a separate insert sent with the shower invitation, not on the invitation itself.

Remember, it is imperative that anyone invited to any type of shower must be invited to your wedding; otherwise it appears as though it is just a ploy for gifts. The one and only exception to this rule is when co-workers or club members wish to give a shower as a way of offering their congratulations.

How many of you will be having a Bridesmaid Luncheon, Tea or Party? Will you use thisopportunity to present your ladies with a token of appreciation? Let me know!

Trimming Your Guest List

Since a popular way to hold a budget friendly wedding is to trim the guest list, should couples still extend an invitation to a ‘new significant other’ of a close friend that’s invited?

Yes it is true; the most efficient way to produce a budget conscience affair is to limit or trim your guest list.

The guest list is generally the most problematic when wanting to avoid hurt feelings. Everyone is excited about your wedding and culling the list has to be done with great sensitivity because you don’t want to offend anyone.

Consideration should be at the forefront of all your wedding decisions. And while making these decisions, keep in mind how they will affect your family and close friends. As described above, the ‘new significant other’ is of a close friend of the couple. As a ‘close friend’ of the couple, consider how you would feel if you were invited to their wedding solo. Would you still consider yourself ‘a close friend’?

Avoid trimming your guest list by preparing it with consideration and the following guidelines:

Set initial boundaries with your family. If you are set on a wedding with only 80 in attendance then those parameters should be communicated. Both families will know from the beginning that there will be limitations to the guest list. Creating these initial boundaries will avoid future confusion.

Be sensitive to your single friends. For the enjoyment of your single guests, all adults should be extended a “plus one” invitation. Your wedding is a party. Your wedding is a celebration. They would like to be comfortable and enjoy the entertainment along with you. It’s no fun sitting alone at an empty table and watching others dance and have a good time.

Most pre-wedding parties are intimate affairs made up of close friends and family. Attending a wedding celebration builds excited leading up to your wedding and provides the guest an unspoken guarantee that they will be honored with an invitation to witness your big day. It is misleading and unacceptable to invite guests to parties and not invite them to your wedding.

A guest list is fluid. It will expand and contract. However, by giving your families and friends initial parameters, you will set the tone that you will be planning your wedding with guidelines.

Invited to the Shower but Not the Wedding

Below is a question that came to me from one of our MyWedding.com etiquette blog readers:

“I was invited to a bridal shower but not the wedding or the reception! Is that polite to do to people?

This was a church wedding, the daughter of a staff member who told me there would be an open invitation to her wedding in the bulletin. The shower was a month in advance. No [wedding] invitation was posted, however.

The wedding later took place at a posh resort so I totally get that the guest list had to be restricted. I just felt it was fairly impolite to invite ladies to a shower and not the wedding!

What is your take on this?”

My “take” on this issue is that it is impolite to be invited to a shower without receiving an invitation to the wedding. Bridal showers are usually very intimate affairs and the guest list is normally made up of close family, friends, and attendants of the bride. That reason is why the rule of etiquette states that anyone invited to a shower should be invited to the wedding; otherwise it appears as though it is just a ploy for gifts. Although not applicable in your situation, the one exception is when co-workers of the bride wish to give a shower as a way of offering their congratulations.

The second issue is the “bulletin board” or “open invitation” to the wedding.  This is never a good idea and inappropriate in my opinion. It can lead to hurt feelings and a larger than expected guest list, as it implies all who read it may attend the wedding. Bottom line, if the hosts of the wedding were sincere in extending an invitation to the wedding they would send an the invitation addressed to you via mail to your home address.

How would it make you feel to receive an invitation to a bridal shower and not receive an invitation to the wedding?

Invitation created by Trish Call of Embellishments for A Claudia Lutman Wedding

Wedding Ceremony Photo courtesy of Freed  Photography for A Clauida Lutman Wedding

Inviting Co-Workers to Your Wedding

I’m certain many couples wrestle with the question of inviting co-workers to their wedding.

What is acceptable when inviting co-workers? Is it possible to just invite a few select co-workers? Does one also need to invite their spouse’s, fiancée or partner?

Let me share a few tips on how to sucessfully invite your co-worker to your wedding.

1.  When inviting co-workers to your wedding, you must do so with discernment.

2.  In the height of excitement about your upcoming wedding, you should be cognizant of the notion you may be sending (i.e. you do not want to give the impression that you’re inviting everyone from the office or department when in fact it maybe only a select few). To avoid this perception, I would suggest minimizing the office talk about your wedding.

3. For those co-workers that you plan to invite to your wedding you must also invite their spouse, fiancée, and live-in partner. Be sensitive to your single friends. From college age on, I strongly recommend for your single guests to be extended an “and guest” invitation.  If you want people to have a good time at your wedding, they need to be comfortable. Nobody is going to be comfortable when the only person they know is you, and you are preoccupied.

4. In lieu of hand delivering your invitations in the office, it is critical to send each invitation to their home address. 

Are you planning on inviting your co-workers to your wedding?  If so, how have you handled it?

Invitation Created by Embellishments for A Claudia Lutman Wedding

Engagement Gift Giving Etiquette

As we are currently in the height of Engagement Season, I’d like to share a question on engagement gift etiquette I received through the editor Mywedding.com:

QUESTION:

What is customary for an engagement gift? Is a gift given to the to-be bride for accepting the ring, is a gift given to the to-be groom for proposing, or neither?

Generally speaking, gifts for an engagement are not required, and thus, should not be expected from the engaged couple. Traditionally, after an engagement commences, it is customary to send a congratulatory note; however, as an affectionate gesture, you may provide the engaged couple with a gift at any time after the engagement is announced.

If you decided to give a gift, the gift is given to the bride or groom in the context of a celebration of their upcoming marriage, but not for the giving or receiving of the proposal or ring. In the event you decide to ship your gift, you should address it to the bride (jointly if you are aware that the couple is already living together) and mail the gift to her home before the wedding.

Customary Engagement Gifts Ideas include (but not limited to):
• Give something for their home: candlesticks, a vase, picture frames, wine glasses, etc. Note: save the household appliances for the shower.
• A special item to be used during their wedding: cake knife and server, champagne flutes
• A fabulous bottle of wine or champagne
• A gift certificate to their favorite restaurant so that they may take a break from wedding planning

How do you feel about the giving or receiving of engagement gifts? Do you feel gifts are appropriate to be presented at a party in front of other attendees?

Wedding Day Gratuities

To tip or not to tip, a tricky little concept that one must constantly wrestle with in regards to a successful wedding. Let us first dissect the word itself. A tip/gratuity is given as a personal expression of gratitude for service given and greatly appreciated by the recipient, and for good reason if you happen to know the ins and outs.

Grauities should be given by the wedding planner or best man on the day of your wedding. Each tip should be addressed to the recipient and sealed in an envelope.

Respect is key in leaving a good impression with your service providers. When your service providers feel valued, that can in turn assure extra special care and attention given to your event; which will lead to a smooth progression to the overall success of your wedding day.

It is important ask if gratuities are included in their price quote and for whom before signing any contracts. Often time’s gratuity is included in the total cost of the transportation and catering bill and hotels usually include a service charge for their bartenders, wait staff, club, and banquet or event manager.

You should however, set aside a portion of your budget to tip the following service providers:

• Bartender
15% – 20% of the total bar bill if hired separately and not already included in your hotel or caterer’s final bill, this one’s going to sting a bit

• Coat check attendant
$1.00 – $2.00 per guest

• Hair and makeup pros
15% -20%

• Limo drivers
15% – %20 of total bill, if not already included in your contract

• Nondenominational Officiant / Clergy
$50-$100
If you’re an active member, plan to donate $500 or more to your Officiant’s church, synagogue, or temple

• Restroom attendants
$1.00 – $2.00 per guest

• Wait Staff/Table Captain
15% -20% of the total food and beverage bill if not already included in your hotel or caterer’s final bill.

• Valet Parking attendants
$1.00 – $2.00 per car or guest

Tip the coat check, parking lot and restroom attendants in advance and request from your venue that there be no tip jars or dishes sitting on the bar, coat check or the restroom counters so that guests do not feel obligated to tip.

Optional Gratuities:

• Wedding Ceremony Musicians
$15 – $20 per musician
Note: if required to play, the solo church organist will not be expecting a gratuity.

• Wedding Reception Band or DJ
$20 – $25 per musician
$50 – $150 for DJs

• Wedding Photographer/Videographer
$50 – $200 per vendor
Note: It is unnecessary, nor expected to provide a gratuity beyond their fees, however, if your wedding photographer or videographer doesn’t own the studio, consider tipping each service provider or tuck a lump sum inside a thank-you note with instructions to distribute among the service providers who serviced your wedding. They will appreciate your thoughtful gesture.

• Wedding Planner
Up to $500, or a nice gift
“Wedding planners won’t likely expect anything; however, if yours did a great job you can always offer a
token of your appreciation. (Note: Non-monetary thank-you’s like professional photos of the wedding for
the planner’s portfolio can go a long way too.) Approximately 50 percent of couples do tip their planners -
- typically those with more opulent weddings.” Source: Carley Rooney, The Knot.   At the end of the reception, the bride should extend the envelope or, you may send a thank-you note with a check, gift card, etc. after the honeymoon.  At minimum, always provide a note of gratitude to your planner.

It is not necessary to compensate friends who are given an unexpected last minute duty. Extend a token of your gratitude in a thank you note accompanied by a small gift, when possible. Your kind gestures will be very much appreciated.

Are you pulling your hair out yet, well you shouldn’t, if you follow these easy guidelines, everything should run smoothly, and your special day will be one that is never forgotten

Have you set aside a sum for gratuities?  Who will you be tipping on your wedding day?

How to Politely Request Gift Cards or Money

As destination weddings are on the rise and the average age of marrying couples has increased; many couples find themselves with more than enough “stuff” and would much rather be presented with a monetary gift to use at their discretion as their wedding gift.

Recently a relocating bride asked the following question:  ”Very shortly I will be relocating 1400 miles away

from our wedding location. Due to transportation issues, it would be more beneficial to recieve money and gift cards from our friends and family rather than “presents.”  Is there an appropriate way to ask for money instead of gifts without sounding greedy or rude?”

Requesting money or gift cards is always a dilemma for any bride or groom. It is considered standard protocol that you should never ask for specific gifts, monetary or otherwise as the choice of gift is always up to the gift giver.

However, if approached by guests, family or friends on your preference, then it is certainly appropriate to request money or gift cards as wedding gifts.

Please just remember to word your preferences politely and relay your appreciation.   For example saying something like this: “Thank you for asking; anything you give would be wonderful, but John and I could really use help saving for a down payment on our first home.”

Here are 3 suggestions:

• If money or gift cards is the gift you would most appreciate, get the word out to family and close friends; have them relay your preferences.

• If asked directly, what you would like, a proper response might sound like this, “We would be very appreciative and grateful for any gift received however, a monetary gift or gift cards are at the top of our wish list.”
• It is also a good idea to state the intended purpose. Guests will then know why you have requested money or gift cards and how their gift may be used.

Do not announce it in any formal way to your guests on any shower, engagement or wedding invitation. Curious guests will ask close family members or your friends what types of gifts you would like to receive. You may also consider using a wedding website where adding your registry information or “gift wish list” to your wedding website is appropriate and another means of communication of your wishes to your guests.

Some guests will still prefer to buy you material  or more traditional gifts so it’s a good idea to register somewhere for a few items. If you are relocating, you may want to make arrangements with the registry not to ship any gifts until your specified date.

And of course, be sure to accept and acknowledge every gift gracefully and send out thank-you notes immediately upon receiving the gift. As for the monetary gifts, it is always polite to let the giver know how you intend to spend their gift in a thank-you card.